I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Randomize
