I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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