The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
