Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
