hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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