I skipped work to stalk him.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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