Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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