Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
