I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Randomize
