I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Randomize
