So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
