I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
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