Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
