why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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