ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
