Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
only you would photoshop your dick
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
We had to coat check the pizza.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
