how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
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