I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
