So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
