I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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