Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
even my farts smell like vagina
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
