I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You ate ashes out of my bong
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
