I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
