Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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