I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
