Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
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My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
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Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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