We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
