I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
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Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants