i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.