she was so not down for the gang bang
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
