I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
