you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
