i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
