i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
