I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
