TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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