Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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