So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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