There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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