I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
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