I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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