Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
