drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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