I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
