I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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