I'm going to jail i love you
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
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