This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
