Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
