hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
