the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I supernannyed him into submission
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
