Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
