last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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