so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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