You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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