I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Sacagawea was the original milf.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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