then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
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I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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