I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
