Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
