The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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