Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
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I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
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I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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