So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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