We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
